The Silence of Our Friends

Monday, September 28, 2009

I really need help!

I haven't wanted to be too pushy or to pathetically beg, but I'm doing really bad financially right now and I need help. My husband hasn't been giving me the full amount of court ordered support and a couple weeks I didn't get anything at all. At first I thought he was just lying and playing games, but now I'm not so sure. I really don't think he has the money to give and pay off all the bills too. I don't think he is lying about that. Since he's the one who paid the bills, I didn't pay close attention to a lot of financial stuff and so I didn't know how far in debt we were, I have found out that we are maxed out on our credit cards, so we only have what he earns to fall back on. Even so, I've been struggling but okay for the last several months because of the money I have been able to squirrel away, the amounts I've gotten from him, and the generous donations I had gotten from my friends online. Thanks so much everyone. But I need your help again, if you have a few dollars you can throw my way please click on the paypal button. It's a sad thing that I am grateful that we all lost our appetites for some time after my husband killed our cat because it made the groceries last longer, but not anymore, and this old mother Hubbard has to admit the cupboards are getting bare.

For those who don't know and are asking why I don't get off my ass and get a job, I have three herniated discs in my neck. I have finally found a good combination of meds so that I have been getting some relief from the pain, but I never really know when I will get a flare up and be unable to move without being in excruciating pain again. I'm also certain I will not pass a drug screen since one of my meds is Avinza (morphine) and another is Vicodin. Sure they are legal prescribed drugs, but how many employers want to take a chance on hiring someone taking high doses of opiates daily? I also have edema which makes my feet and ankles swell twice their normal size when I have to stand for any length of time. I'd also need flexible hours to keep all my doctors/specialists/therapists appointments not to mention appointments with lawyers and for court appearances in the next few months. Anyway, the short answer is, I have a few limitations that make finding and keeping a job difficult. I also fear that my husband and his lawyer would use it against me, so that he doesn't have to pay alimony, but as I mentioned, just because I'm going through a time of lower pain doesn't mean it will always be like this, I might have a flare up tomorrow or six months from now. I don't know when it will happen, I just know that it will eventually.

I'm sorry to keep asking but I do need help now. I'm hoping by the next court date I'll be able to get my husband's wages garnished or some other way to guarantee a certain amount of income which I can budget. I've been poor other times in my life and know how to budget on little, I just can't budget on nothing which is what I have now!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Having another bad day, but what's new?

This is all just so fucked up. I asked my husband about whether some of his counseling was for anger management, and he told me that his therapist had said that the family therapist asked her about that too. And she scoffed at the idea that he might even need anger should have heard the tone of voice he was using over the phone when he said this. He was ready to blow his stack. Him angry? What a silly thing to even think! I know who the quack is, and it wasn't the family therapist. I mean, for God's sake, he killed the family pet! Is this normal behavior, happens all the time, in every family? What the hell is wrong with her when she can't see that he has a problem with anger and impulse control?

Earlier this month I took my youngest in to the dentist for his routine cleaning, he had 3 cavities. We have insurance, but it doesn't cover much more than the cleaning. He also had x-rays taken and flouride treatment, which isn't covered and the fillings are only covered at 50%. So I'm being billed for $170, I thought my husband would pay it, but he's not going to. I cancelled my appt and my older son's too until I can pay off this bill first. Now my older son tells me his teeth hurt. On our last visit the dentist did tell us that he needs to have his wisdom teeth out and that two of them are impacted. But my son didn't complain of any pain or anything so I thought it could wait a little longer. It looks like it can't. And our dentist won't do the work, she says we will need to see an oral surgeon for this. Where the hell am I going to get that kind of money? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The only one in my family who might have that kind of money is my father and it's really not a good time to ask him for help. I think he will be needing the money for his own medical care.

The kids are putting out applications to find jobs and I don't have the heart to tell them that it probably will not work out for them. We have one vehicle between the three of us and anywhere they work will be at least a 15 to 20 minute drive since we live in the middle of the damned woods. I don't know how we are going to juggle usage of one vehicle to get us all where we need to be going. I wish we lived in a city or at least a large town where walking, biking, or possibly public transportation is a viable alternative to driving.

All those cliches that say your life is shit kind of fit our life right now, from the frying pan into the fire, going to hell in a handbasket, etc. Fuck I just don't know what to do anymore. It used to piss me off so much when my husband would say things that made me feel stupid and like I can't do anything right. But now I feel like it's true because all my options are crap.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Thank you so much

I've been meaning to write an update and a thank you to everyone who has given us their support.

Court went well. The restraining order was extended for a further 90 days with many stipulations. He is allowed to have telephone or email contact with us and allowed to be in our presence under certain circumstances, such as during counseling, this was one of the stipulations. But last week our family counselor dumped us. She said that his personal therapist will not work with her at all, and that she can't move forward, or know what to do without some knowledge of where he is at with his therapy. His therapist has also told my lawyer that she doesn't want to work with me, or have anything to do with the court either. And it's not like it's my husband who is dragging his feet on this one, he has given her his written consent and authorized her to speak to the family therapist and court. In fact one of the stipulations is that he won't get back into the home unless his personal therapist says that he is safe to do so, or in the case of divorce, he will need her to vouch for his safety to get visitation with the kids. So she's hurting him more than she is me, but since I had hoped that at the very least we could learn to be civil around each other, I am upset that we can't move forward with the family therapy.

She also said something that frightened me. She said that during their private sessions my husband has said some things that leads her to believe that he should not be in the home or anywhere near me. Because she can't talk to his therapist, she doesn't know if he is involved in any type of counseling for anger management, and that he is very impulsive when he is angry, and does what he feels like doing in the heat of the moment without considering the consequences. She is worried that I might say things during our sessions that will anger him, and he might have enough impulse control in front of her, but what happens after we leave? She thinks he might come after me and attack me if he is angry enough. That's why she can't be our counselor anymore, because she doesn't want to be responsible for that, and doesn't think we belong in counseling. We simply don't belong anywhere near each other and without the knowledge of where he is at with his personal counseling, we might never belong anywhere near each other.

He's still acting weird too. Sometimes he is so nice that I begin to believe he's back to his old self, other times he is playing head games and being vengeful. He's still playing games with money so that I'm never sure if we will have money for groceries and bills or not. Since there is a court order though, we aren't eligible for food stamps and are depending on him to pay up on time. He's skipped a couple of weeks and explained that since he has to pay the mortgage he didn't have enough for that week and that I'll just have to ask my family for help, and to budget better. The other times, our bills were the excuse too, for being late with the money and giving me only $100 for the week. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, and can't thank those of you who have sent money through my paypal enough. You got me through some rough times and I was able to get what we need because of your help. helped me in another way you don't even know about yet. Nearly 25 years ago my father had a bout with cancer. He went through the chemo and radiation and it kicked his ass, but he was a tough one, and went into remission. Since then he's had skin cancer several times, each time it's caught early and removed. He goes every year for a thorough physical at his doctors office. This year they did a full body scan, I'm not sure what that means, but whatever it is, they found out he has cancer again. He has an aggressive lymphoma and has 6 tumors, one about the size of a tennis ball on his small intestine. He has to go through the chemo and radiation again, and he's not so tough anymore, he's in his mid 60s and diabetic. They are only giving him a 50/50 chance that it will work. If it doesn't work, he only has a few months to live. Anyway, without your help, I wouldn't have been able to go visit my father. I was there last weekend to spend some time with him and let him know that I love him. Thanks so much for giving me that opportunity.

I do have a bit of good news. I've had some of my meds switched, I ran out of Robaxin a few weeks back and didn't have the chance to get it refilled for a few days, and there was no difference. I told my doctor this and since it's not doing anything we dropped that med, and I was put on Flexeril instead. That one is working! Both meds are muscle relaxants, and I was so stressed out that the muscles in my back were in knots. Seriously, you would think I work out if you felt the muscles in my back because they are so hard. The Flexeril loosened that up, and since it was causing some of my pain, the pain has come down a few notches. I'm not pain-free, but I am doing much better. It is such a relief to be able to do something like laundry, without worrying that I will cause a flare up that will have me laid up in bed crying from the pain for days. I am so happy to be able to move around without that terrible pain all the time. The rest of my life might be a train wreck but at least I've got that!

Thank you again to everyone. Thanks for all the prayers, kind words, and donations to keep us going. I never wanted to ask for financial help because I always thought that my husband needs to take care of his family. He should love his children enough to do right by them and should be ashamed that I have to go begging to my family, friends, or the state to provide for us. He has no shame though. He hates me more than he loves our kids. I do still need as much help as any of you can give, I just can't count on my husband to take care of us, and right now I have less than $30 and that will need to go in my gas tank which is close to empty. After that, I got nothing for anything else we might need. The only good thing about this is that after the 90 days is up, this will look really bad for him, and hopefully the court won't just order support, but will garnish his wages so that he can't play his games with me anymore.