Here We Go Again...
I called the pain management clinic on Wed to tell them I'm running low on Vicodin. First, I have to explain, when you call the pain management clinic you only rarely talk to a real person, 9 times out of 10 you get the answering system. So anyway, I hear nothing back and so I call again on Thu. They get back to me but tell me that I'm calling too early for a refill (I'm only allowed 60 per month) and I'm actually due for a refill on the 9th, but being so "nice" they'll allow me to pick it up on Saturday. But I told them that's because the prescription changed, I used to be allowed up to 3 per day, but it was cut back to 2 per day. My current prescription was called in on the 7th of October and I wanted the next filled on the 6th of November. Since Oct has 31 days, I'm right on schedule. But too bad for me, my doc is gone for the day and already called in with instructions not to let me have it until Saturday. So I have to suffer one day without it...or so I think. Then I show up today for my prescription and who the hell knows where she called the fucking thing in at, since my pharmacy is completely clueless. They checked and rechecked and have nothing called in for me. I need that prescription to manage my fucking pain and I want it now and I am so sick of their God damned bullshit.
This isn't the only time they have screwed me over. One time I called in for a refill on my morphine on a Monday and nothing for two days. They tell you to give them at least 24 to 48 hrs turn around on prescription refills and to be patient and not keep calling. Well I finally called again on Thursday morning and hear nothing from them again. I call again on Friday morning and broke down crying on the phone begging for my meds since I ran out on Wed and was in severe pain. That's when they finally called it in and got back to me and apologized. The doctor approved my prescription all the way back on Monday and the fucking nurse "forgot" to call it in. What the fuck??? This is a pain clinic for people in severe chronic pain. You don't fucking forget about the meds they need to function!!! AND you don't fucking call it in to Mars or lord-knows-where instead of the person's regular pharmacy. Why the fuck can't I ever catch a break and have things go right for me?
Every God damned thing in my life sucks.
Ha Ha HAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
My internet still works!
Does your brain automatically shut down when you find yourself in some kind of trouble? You would think it would be the other way around, your brain would be working overtime helping you come up with ideas and strategies for fixing the troubles, but instead, nope, stupidity sets in.
I'm asking because for the last couple days I come online to check to see if my internet is still working and go surfing around to read all the blogs I've been missing. There's some really great writing out there that I missed over the last few months. But I don't comment because I can't think of anything worthwhile to say.
I think this also explains my last few blog posts here, talking about shoes and sweets. That's all that's on my mind. I WANT TO BE SMART AGAIN! At least once in awhile...
By the way, I had lost 35lbs. Yup, even with eating the German chocolate cake. Nope, I didn't go on a diet. I just have been losing weight for no apparent reason. It's stopped for now and I gained 5lbs back, but I think that's all water weight from the edema. I hope I can get rid of the edema. I really don't want to live with giant feet for the rest of my life. My doctor won't give me more water pills or change the ones I'm taking now (hydrochlorothiazide). So we're not really doing anything to get rid of it except I'm supposed to be watching my salt intake. I could probably do better at that, although I have cut back, but haven't given it up completely. Food would be nasty without any salt!
Also, I'm either going crazy or my cat is haunting me. Over the past few days I have had to jump to avoid stepping on her. I am walking along and just see her there in front of my feet and slam on the brakes, or hop over her, and then I realize, nope nothing is there, I just imagined it.
That's all I got today.
I'm Still Around But...
I BETTER TALK FAST BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't that sound so dramatic? I'll give you something that really sounds dramatic, go
here and press the play button. That right there is the soundtrack to my life.
Anyway, things are still one big super dooper crapfest in my life, but I manage to keep on keeping on every day by thinking and doing stupid and weird things. It's better than dwelling on how crappy things are, no? One of the weird things I have been doing is eating lemons, I don't know why, but I'm craving them. So I eat them like normal people eat apples or oranges. I bet I'm craving them because I HAVE SCURVY!!!!! (There I go with the drama again...)
Things didn't go so well in Connecticut. My oldest son got the flu the during the week, but was okay by the weekend, so we went. But I didn't think things through, my father couldn't see us anyway. I already knew that he probably shouldn't see my oldest just in case he was still carrying the virus, but didn't think about what if I or my youngest caught it and just weren't showing symptoms yet? My sister, who is a nurse, is the one who told me that. She said none of us can go see my dad, not if there is any chance we could give him the flu. Because of the chemo, his immune system is so weak that catching the flu could kill him. AND...it rained all weekend so no Six Flags for the kids. I felt so bad for them, everything in their lives has been shitty for the last several months, I wanted them to have something good happen for once. They are such good kids they deserve something good in their lives but all they get is disappointment. For example, wouldn't you expect their grades to be falling behind after all of this that they are going through? Instead I got progress reports last week and both of them are getting straight A's! My oldest struggles with his classes because he has autism, so generally he gets C's. This was a huge happy surprise for me. I wish I could do more than give him a hug as a reward, especially since he doesn't like hugs. LOL
I'll have you know, the baking continues! I did do the brownies and I plan on doing cookies tomorrow. I'm managing to do all this baking without burning anything so far *knock on wood*. One of the reasons I don't bake is that I have no patience, so I wander off and forget that I have something in the oven and end up with burnt baked goods.
I'm over the shoe thing though and I didn't even buy any. I'd really like an explanation for that shoe obsessed episode though, why would someone who normally isn't all that interested in buying shoes suddenly get the urge to shop for them?
Anyway, money is still tight and my husband still isn't helping much, so some of the bills aren't getting paid. That's the reason for the drama in the first sentence. I didn't pay for my internet this month so I expect it to be shut off, I don't know how long it takes them to get around to doing that though. So I better get my internet time in now and say what I want to say before *poof* I'm gone! I'm sure I'll still pop in occasionally when I get down to the library and let you all know that I'm still hanging in there.
*MWAAAAAH* sending you all smooches for being there for me!
Shoes and Cakes and More Stuff
For the last month I've been obsessed with shoes. I want to go on a shopping spree and buy dozens of pairs of shoes. I don't know why! First of all, if you know anything about me, you would know that I don't spend much money and I especially don't spend much money on myself. The sneakers I wear almost every day I've had for 5 or 6 years and I bought them on clearance for $10. Another thing to know about me, I suffer from edema, this is swelling in the extremities. I have gigantic elephant feet. So the stupidest thing for me to do is buy shoes, because what the hell size do you buy when your feet are normal in the morning, start swelling by afternoon, and are gigantic by evening? Those sneakers I told you about? I have the laces loosened up on them for my fat feet, or else I wear a pair of slippers my husband bought me something like 10 or 12 years ago. Geez, why am I telling my readers any of this? I sound like such a frump, and you know what? I am! But this frump suddenly wants shoes! I want someone to explain this to me, why I would suddenly want to buy shoes out of the blue? I haven't acted on this impulse except to go "window shopping" online, since as you know, I am broke. Damn shoe stores want money for their shoes!
Anyway, that is about as deep as my thoughts go lately. Shoes! I don't like thinking of too much or else I just get depressed by it all. Shoes are not depressing, when you look at shoes you imagine the places you would go in them, and the things you would do in them. Dresses are like that too, but come on, imagine me in a dress? Let's not get ridiculous now!
I did do something else out of character today though, I baked a cake, it was German chocolate. I found out that neither of my kids likes German chocolate cake too. This means I have to eat it all myself! I don't know if that's good or bad. I really should not eat a whole cake myself, but damn, German chocolate cake is tha bomb! You would think I would have found out long ago what my kids like and don't like, but as I said, it's out of character for me to bake cakes or bake anything really. And...last week I baked chocolate chip muffins. The kids loved them and I didn't get ANY of them!
Now those of you who sent me money are thinking, just look at this travesty! I help the woman out and instead of buying wholesome foods she is baking sugary junk food! We got wholesome too! I've been cooking up soups and stews. We're eating salads and stir fry...and we get muffins and cake too. I think I'll do brownies or cookies next week. So thank you all so much, I was able to buy enough groceries for the past two weeks and I should be good for this week too. I also paid my youngest son's dentist bill so that I could get my oldest son in. By the time he got in to see the dentist his teeth weren't hurting anymore, so whatever was going on might not have had anything to do with his impacted wisdom teeth. He does still need to have them pulled. Our whole family has narrow jaws without the room for wisdom teeth. In another couple years my youngest will need to have his wisdom teeth out too. Hopefully I'll find an oral surgeon who doesn't need money up front and doesn't mind putting it on a payment plan.
My dad is doing well, the chemo seems to be working and his doctors are hopeful. He's also bald and the steroids are causing his face to swell. He's depressed about that, but at least he doesn't sound frightened anymore. Maybe he's just better about hiding his feelings. I don't know really. I plan to go down to CT to see him in two weeks. I hope that seeing us cheers him up. What is really nice is that my brother in law said he would pay for me to come down and when I told another sister that I was coming she said she would pay and take my kids to Six Flags for Frightfest. Things like that make me tear up. When you find yourself in a bad situation its easy to let negativity take over. It's easy to feel like everything is your fault and all your decisions are wrong and that you're stupid for all the things you should have or could have done differently and then maybe things would have turned out better. When you feel this way you also think that everyone will abandon a loser like you. Who the hell wants to be involved with a dumbass who is just gloom and doom and trouble coming and going? But it didn't happen, when I really needed it, there was always someone there to help. People have been there to listen when I needed to be heard, to pray for us, and have helped me to buy groceries, gas, and pay a few bills. I still spend most days sad, confused, and scared...but I also have those moments when I am grateful, happy, and hopeful. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us through this mess!
I really need help!
I haven't wanted to be too pushy or to pathetically beg, but I'm doing really bad financially right now and I need help. My husband hasn't been giving me the full amount of court ordered support and a couple weeks I didn't get anything at all. At first I thought he was just lying and playing games, but now I'm not so sure. I really don't think he has the money to give and pay off all the bills too. I don't think he is lying about that. Since he's the one who paid the bills, I didn't pay close attention to a lot of financial stuff and so I didn't know how far in debt we were, I have found out that we are maxed out on our credit cards, so we only have what he earns to fall back on. Even so, I've been struggling but okay for the last several months because of the money I have been able to squirrel away, the amounts I've gotten from him, and the generous donations I had gotten from my friends online. Thanks so much everyone. But I need your help again, if you have a few dollars you can throw my way please click on the paypal button. It's a sad thing that I am grateful that we all lost our appetites for some time after my husband killed our cat because it made the groceries last longer, but not anymore, and this old mother Hubbard has to admit the cupboards are getting bare.
For those who don't know and are asking why I don't get off my ass and get a job, I have three herniated discs in my neck. I have finally found a good combination of meds so that I have been getting some relief from the pain, but I never really know when I will get a flare up and be unable to move without being in excruciating pain again. I'm also certain I will not pass a drug screen since one of my meds is Avinza (morphine) and another is Vicodin. Sure they are legal prescribed drugs, but how many employers want to take a chance on hiring someone taking high doses of opiates daily? I also have edema which makes my feet and ankles swell twice their normal size when I have to stand for any length of time. I'd also need flexible hours to keep all my doctors/specialists/therapists appointments not to mention appointments with lawyers and for court appearances in the next few months. Anyway, the short answer is, I have a few limitations that make finding and keeping a job difficult. I also fear that my husband and his lawyer would use it against me, so that he doesn't have to pay alimony, but as I mentioned, just because I'm going through a time of lower pain doesn't mean it will always be like this, I might have a flare up tomorrow or six months from now. I don't know when it will happen, I just know that it will eventually.
I'm sorry to keep asking but I do need help now. I'm hoping by the next court date I'll be able to get my husband's wages garnished or some other way to guarantee a certain amount of income which I can budget. I've been poor other times in my life and know how to budget on little, I just can't budget on nothing which is what I have now!
Having another bad day, but what's new?
This is all just so fucked up. I asked my husband about whether some of his counseling was for anger management, and he told me that his therapist had said that the family therapist asked her about that too. And she scoffed at the idea that he might even need anger management...you should have heard the tone of voice he was using over the phone when he said this. He was ready to blow his stack. Him angry? What a silly thing to even think! I know who the quack is, and it wasn't the family therapist. I mean, for God's sake, he killed the family pet! Is this normal behavior, happens all the time, in every family? What the hell is wrong with her when she can't see that he has a problem with anger and impulse control?
Earlier this month I took my youngest in to the dentist for his routine cleaning, he had 3 cavities. We have insurance, but it doesn't cover much more than the cleaning. He also had x-rays taken and flouride treatment, which isn't covered and the fillings are only covered at 50%. So I'm being billed for $170, I thought my husband would pay it, but he's not going to. I cancelled my appt and my older son's too until I can pay off this bill first. Now my older son tells me his teeth hurt. On our last visit the dentist did tell us that he needs to have his wisdom teeth out and that two of them are impacted. But my son didn't complain of any pain or anything so I thought it could wait a little longer. It looks like it can't. And our dentist won't do the work, she says we will need to see an oral surgeon for this. Where the hell am I going to get that kind of money? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The only one in my family who might have that kind of money is my father and it's really not a good time to ask him for help. I think he will be needing the money for his own medical care.
The kids are putting out applications to find jobs and I don't have the heart to tell them that it probably will not work out for them. We have one vehicle between the three of us and anywhere they work will be at least a 15 to 20 minute drive since we live in the middle of the damned woods. I don't know how we are going to juggle usage of one vehicle to get us all where we need to be going. I wish we lived in a city or at least a large town where walking, biking, or possibly public transportation is a viable alternative to driving.
All those cliches that say your life is shit kind of fit our life right now, from the frying pan into the fire, going to hell in a handbasket, etc. Fuck I just don't know what to do anymore. It used to piss me off so much when my husband would say things that made me feel stupid and like I can't do anything right. But now I feel like it's true because all my options are crap.
Thank you so much
I've been meaning to write an update and a thank you to everyone who has given us their support.
Court went well. The restraining order was extended for a further 90 days with many stipulations. He is allowed to have telephone or email contact with us and allowed to be in our presence under certain circumstances, such as during counseling, this was one of the stipulations. But last week our family counselor dumped us. She said that his personal therapist will not work with her at all, and that she can't move forward, or know what to do without some knowledge of where he is at with his therapy. His therapist has also told my lawyer that she doesn't want to work with me, or have anything to do with the court either. And it's not like it's my husband who is dragging his feet on this one, he has given her his written consent and authorized her to speak to the family therapist and court. In fact one of the stipulations is that he won't get back into the home unless his personal therapist says that he is safe to do so, or in the case of divorce, he will need her to vouch for his safety to get visitation with the kids. So she's hurting him more than she is me, but since I had hoped that at the very least we could learn to be civil around each other, I am upset that we can't move forward with the family therapy.
She also said something that frightened me. She said that during their private sessions my husband has said some things that leads her to believe that he should not be in the home or anywhere near me. Because she can't talk to his therapist, she doesn't know if he is involved in any type of counseling for anger management, and that he is very impulsive when he is angry, and does what he feels like doing in the heat of the moment without considering the consequences. She is worried that I might say things during our sessions that will anger him, and he might have enough impulse control in front of her, but what happens after we leave? She thinks he might come after me and attack me if he is angry enough. That's why she can't be our counselor anymore, because she doesn't want to be responsible for that, and doesn't think we belong in counseling. We simply don't belong anywhere near each other and without the knowledge of where he is at with his personal counseling, we might never belong anywhere near each other.
He's still acting weird too. Sometimes he is so nice that I begin to believe he's back to his old self, other times he is playing head games and being vengeful. He's still playing games with money so that I'm never sure if we will have money for groceries and bills or not. Since there is a court order though, we aren't eligible for food stamps and are depending on him to pay up on time. He's skipped a couple of weeks and explained that since he has to pay the mortgage he didn't have enough for that week and that I'll just have to ask my family for help, and to budget better. The other times, our bills were the excuse too, for being late with the money and giving me only $100 for the week. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, and can't thank those of you who have sent money through my paypal enough. You got me through some rough times and I was able to get what we need because of your help.
And...you helped me in another way you don't even know about yet. Nearly 25 years ago my father had a bout with cancer. He went through the chemo and radiation and it kicked his ass, but he was a tough one, and went into remission. Since then he's had skin cancer several times, each time it's caught early and removed. He goes every year for a thorough physical at his doctors office. This year they did a full body scan, I'm not sure what that means, but whatever it is, they found out he has cancer again. He has an aggressive lymphoma and has 6 tumors, one about the size of a tennis ball on his small intestine. He has to go through the chemo and radiation again, and he's not so tough anymore, he's in his mid 60s and diabetic. They are only giving him a 50/50 chance that it will work. If it doesn't work, he only has a few months to live. Anyway, without your help, I wouldn't have been able to go visit my father. I was there last weekend to spend some time with him and let him know that I love him. Thanks so much for giving me that opportunity.
I do have a bit of good news. I've had some of my meds switched, I ran out of Robaxin a few weeks back and didn't have the chance to get it refilled for a few days, and there was no difference. I told my doctor this and since it's not doing anything we dropped that med, and I was put on Flexeril instead. That one is working! Both meds are muscle relaxants, and I was so stressed out that the muscles in my back were in knots. Seriously, you would think I work out if you felt the muscles in my back because they are so hard. The Flexeril loosened that up, and since it was causing some of my pain, the pain has come down a few notches. I'm not pain-free, but I am doing much better. It is such a relief to be able to do something like laundry, without worrying that I will cause a flare up that will have me laid up in bed crying from the pain for days. I am so happy to be able to move around without that terrible pain all the time. The rest of my life might be a train wreck but at least I've got that!
Thank you again to everyone. Thanks for all the prayers, kind words, and donations to keep us going. I never wanted to ask for financial help because I always thought that my husband needs to take care of his family. He should love his children enough to do right by them and should be ashamed that I have to go begging to my family, friends, or the state to provide for us. He has no shame though. He hates me more than he loves our kids. I do still need as much help as any of you can give, I just can't count on my husband to take care of us, and right now I have less than $30 and that will need to go in my gas tank which is close to empty. After that, I got nothing for anything else we might need. The only good thing about this is that after the 90 days is up, this will look really bad for him, and hopefully the court won't just order support, but will garnish his wages so that he can't play his games with me anymore.
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