Hi everyone. Although I am still financially shaky, I think I am headed in the right direction, and I know there are so many other people and families who are worse off than we are now. I have been hearing from some of them, and feel so sad that I'm still in such bad shape that I can't help them, except by sending my love and best wishes, and by posting it on my blog to spread the word. If you have a few dollars to spare, please consider donating to two of my dear sisters.
The first is Aaminah, she has suffered a terrible loss, the father of her child has passed away. He was her love, her friend, and her confidante, they were making plans for the future and now he is gone. She wants a lasting memorial and has chosen a design she wants tattooed. Please read more of the story and consider contributing here: Our Sister's Tattoo.
She has raised $175 so far and only needs another $75 to reach her goal.
The other is BFP, her tired old computer finally bit the dust. Here she is, the most amazing writer the internet has ever seen, without a computer to keep on writing! What good is the world wide web without her, I ask??? She has raised quite a bit, but still needs about $450 to get her a decent computer instead of one held together with spit and duct tape. If you have the means to help, please consider contributing here: The BFP Computer Fundraiser.
The Silence of Our Friends
As most of you know, I had taken a partially involuntary but somewhat needed blog break to try to get a handle on my out of control life. It's still out of control, but I do see light at the end of the tunnel. The runaway train is on an incline and slowing down just before the edge of the cliff! (I'm such a drama queen; truly more dramatic, and more queenly than SylbiaKitteh
, if you ask me. But no, I'm but a shadow to the true drama queen of all drama queens...BlackAmazon
Anyway, so now I'm back, and trying to catch up a bit. Then I make the mistake of reading the blog at Bitch Magazine, where Jessica Yee has made the mistake of accepting a guest blogging stint. Oh Gawd! Jessica wrote a snarky post about hippy/hipster cultural appropriation
, and the white folks got angry and defensive. How dare she spoil their fun at playing Indian dress up! And of course there was no moderation, so it was a privilege and entitlement festival. I did the best I could to give Jessica some back-up, but it took a lot out of me. After days and days of this bullshit I was alternating between shaking with rage and crying from the futility of it all.
I wish I could say this is something new, but it's old, so very old. It's always the same thing with these so called liberal white feminists. What always gets to me is the silence of our friends
. I wouldn't have named my blog that if it wasn't the one thing that hurts the most. Every time, these liberal whites who claim to be anti-racist suddenly are no where to be found when they are needed. When push comes to shove, they side with the power, they side with whiteness. They do one of three things:
---If they say anything it's, "Stop making a fuss." or "Get over it." They have to hush us, because we're making their white friends uncomfortable. And the comfort of the white people always comes before anti-racism.
---Or they completely ignore it, they pretend they didn't see what is happening. You won't see the white feminists discussing this at Feministing, Pandagon, or Feministe. Nope, no one from those blogs saw what was happening at BitchBlog.
---Or they are just so surprised and shocked when racism happens they don't know what to do! This was the excuse that the moderators at BitchBlog used. It's funny how they know what to do when a sexist troll comes along, but racist trolls? Gosh! It's too difficult to tell them, you can stop or you can leave.
When I first got online, I thought maybe these people are so sheltered they don't recognize racism. I don't believe that anymore. They know what's going on and they are sitting back debating whether they want to side with the powerless. And they decide that no, they won't get involved, they don't want to upset the important (white) people. No biggie, the brown folks are used to white people riding roughshod all over them anyway.
Watch it in action. I want you to watch a video over at youtube
. It's about 8 minutes long. In the video a black woman is shopping at a boutique in SoHo and the sales woman and security are BLATANTLY racist towards her. The ones who are most likely to jump in and defend her are other POC, the white people pretend they don't see whats going on, or are simply shocked and don't know what to do (yeah, right, but they keep right on shopping), or they side with the white person ("I bet she used the race card"), or it's not their business.
There are only two instances where white women have a different reaction. The first, a white woman does everything in her power to deny what she is hearing, until she can no longer deny it, and then all she does is break down into a puddle of white woman tears. Those mean people made her witness racism! They busted her post-racial color-blind bubble! But she didn't do a damned thing about it, did she?
The second, a white woman defends the black woman (and her white friend is kind of along for the ride). She stayed and witnessed it all, she loudly protests what they are doing to her, only leaves with the black woman, so, as far as she knows, protecting her from some trumped up charges. Her actions are what finally pricks the consciences of the other white people and many leave the store with them. See, POC don't know racism, so white people need other white people to tell them when something racist is happening, or they don't give a damn what POC think, but care very much what other white people think.
How much you want to bet that every one of those white people would say they are anti-racist? This is SoHo, artsy liberal hipster country.
The only anti-racist was that last woman. I know most POC will go our entire lives without meeting someone like her. We go through racism every day of our lives and all the "anti-racists" around us always have the excuse that they're just surprised by racism and so of course they can't be expected to do anything about it. Considering how many white people I know who insist, INSIST, that they are anti-racist, witnessing white people stepping in without any prompting, like this woman did, should be a common occurrence. It is so unusual that I always cry when I watch that lady in action. I can't watch that video. It hurts knowing that what should be a normal reaction is damn near a miracle.
That ABC News crew got damn lucky she was in the store that day, otherwise they wouldn't have had any white person who would actually defend the black woman at all, just one in a hundred who will shed a tear when they have to witness racism.
This is what is meant by "the silence of our friends", this is the same thing that white liberal feminists do to us all the time. But they can't understand why we don't want anything to do with them or their "feminism". Watch, watch the next time there is a racist flare up in the blogosphere. At the blog it's happening at, there will be mostly WOC defending each other, a small minority of white women also speaking up, the blog owners and or moderators will do nothing, or flail uselessly late in the game, or worse defend their white friends. Oh and at least a couple white liberal men will do their white knight act, come charging in to help the defenseless frail white women from the brutish WOC. And the other big feminist blogs? Twiddling their thumbs and studiously avoiding seeing or saying anything just like most of those white shoppers in the video. Their "intersectionality" consists of pretending they care about us, for appearance sake, white people are all about appearances, but actually fighting against racism? HAHAHAHAHA You have got to be kidding!
What is wrong with you internets???
OR...Is it me???
I swear, today everything I am reading confuses me. For one thing on tumblr a lot of what I am reading is dialogues/conversations, and I can not follow. I can't tell who is saying what to who (or is that whom? Someone explain who and whom to me again, please.) And other bloggity stuff is just not making sense, as if it's not even in English, although it is. I hate that I have days where my brain no longer works, it's just putt-putt-puttered out. It reminds me, before my blogging break, I would be reading friends blogs or watching conversations in the comments, and think to myself, "These people are so far beyond me." I generally knew what the post/discussion was about, but couldn't quite wrap my head around the concepts. It's kind of scary. I know I was very bright when I was younger. I did well in school without even trying. I used to have a near photographic memory when reading. I'm serious, I could bring up a page I had read in a textbook weeks ago during my exam and "re-read it" to get to the part I needed to know for the answer. I no longer have this ability. In fact, if you ask me the plot of a book I read a week ago, might not remember it, or characters, or even the title and author. I've had moments when I have worried that people think I'm a liar because of my bad memory. I know that part of the cause is my meds, but I think part of it is getting older too, and that frightens me, because I worry about how much more I will forget.
And...back to the internets. Yesterday everything I read made me mad. I finally caught up on the Amanda Palmer (formerly of the Dresden Dolls) ableist, classist bullshit. Saw the lastest transmisogyny via Lady Gaga/Beyonce's Telephone video. And for some racism read up on Victorientalism in Steam Punk. Some days I wonder why I bother getting online!
So yesterday everything made me mad. Today everything confused me. I just can't wait to see how tomorrow's internets are going to screw with me!
Not so soon!
I'm not gone after all...
My neighbor has been coming over about once a week to commiserate and I told her that my internet was gone. She had her husband open their wireless so that it doesn't need a password and I can "steal" it. While this isn't the best solution, since many times I get really bad reception that drops in and out, I won't complain!
Things are still pretty bad here, well, I guess not the most horrible but not that great is how I would put it. Mostly I'd rather not discuss it because I think everyone would just tell me I'm a dumbass. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation and just feel like everything is a really bad idea and compromise, compromise, compromise. It's hard not to feel like a dumbass, and feel like everything is a mistake, when there are no real good choices, just bad compromises.
I mostly wish that life's paths were more predictable and laid out so that you could see what is the best thing to do, yeah, that 20/20 hindsight? I want 20/20 foresight! Instead I just feel like I am waiting for the next disaster so I can kick myself for making the wrong choices AGAIN.
Anyway...I'm going to catch up on email and blog reading while the reception holds out!
Just to let you all know that for the most part I am gone. I just don't have the money to afford internet access anymore. It's hard enough juggling the bills and making sure I have money for oil, gas for my van, and food, etc. I can still check email and the blog here from the library, but we aren't supposed to be online longer than an hour at a time, unless no one else is around who wants to use the computers, then we can stay on longer. Bleh, I don't like being online at the library really anyway.
Thanks to the couple of donors who sent money before Christmas. If it wasn't for you my kids wouldn't have had a Christmas! Hopefully within the next year things will be closer to normal and I can do more for them, and get my ass back online too.
I love you and miss you all so much!
Here We Go Again...
I called the pain management clinic on Wed to tell them I'm running low on Vicodin. First, I have to explain, when you call the pain management clinic you only rarely talk to a real person, 9 times out of 10 you get the answering system. So anyway, I hear nothing back and so I call again on Thu. They get back to me but tell me that I'm calling too early for a refill (I'm only allowed 60 per month) and I'm actually due for a refill on the 9th, but being so "nice" they'll allow me to pick it up on Saturday. But I told them that's because the prescription changed, I used to be allowed up to 3 per day, but it was cut back to 2 per day. My current prescription was called in on the 7th of October and I wanted the next filled on the 6th of November. Since Oct has 31 days, I'm right on schedule. But too bad for me, my doc is gone for the day and already called in with instructions not to let me have it until Saturday. So I have to suffer one day without it...or so I think. Then I show up today for my prescription and who the hell knows where she called the fucking thing in at, since my pharmacy is completely clueless. They checked and rechecked and have nothing called in for me. I need that prescription to manage my fucking pain and I want it now and I am so sick of their God damned bullshit.
This isn't the only time they have screwed me over. One time I called in for a refill on my morphine on a Monday and nothing for two days. They tell you to give them at least 24 to 48 hrs turn around on prescription refills and to be patient and not keep calling. Well I finally called again on Thursday morning and hear nothing from them again. I call again on Friday morning and broke down crying on the phone begging for my meds since I ran out on Wed and was in severe pain. That's when they finally called it in and got back to me and apologized. The doctor approved my prescription all the way back on Monday and the fucking nurse "forgot" to call it in. What the fuck??? This is a pain clinic for people in severe chronic pain. You don't fucking forget about the meds they need to function!!! AND you don't fucking call it in to Mars or lord-knows-where instead of the person's regular pharmacy. Why the fuck can't I ever catch a break and have things go right for me?
Every God damned thing in my life sucks.
Ha Ha HAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
My internet still works!
Does your brain automatically shut down when you find yourself in some kind of trouble? You would think it would be the other way around, your brain would be working overtime helping you come up with ideas and strategies for fixing the troubles, but instead, nope, stupidity sets in.
I'm asking because for the last couple days I come online to check to see if my internet is still working and go surfing around to read all the blogs I've been missing. There's some really great writing out there that I missed over the last few months. But I don't comment because I can't think of anything worthwhile to say.
I think this also explains my last few blog posts here, talking about shoes and sweets. That's all that's on my mind. I WANT TO BE SMART AGAIN! At least once in awhile...
By the way, I had lost 35lbs. Yup, even with eating the German chocolate cake. Nope, I didn't go on a diet. I just have been losing weight for no apparent reason. It's stopped for now and I gained 5lbs back, but I think that's all water weight from the edema. I hope I can get rid of the edema. I really don't want to live with giant feet for the rest of my life. My doctor won't give me more water pills or change the ones I'm taking now (hydrochlorothiazide). So we're not really doing anything to get rid of it except I'm supposed to be watching my salt intake. I could probably do better at that, although I have cut back, but haven't given it up completely. Food would be nasty without any salt!
Also, I'm either going crazy or my cat is haunting me. Over the past few days I have had to jump to avoid stepping on her. I am walking along and just see her there in front of my feet and slam on the brakes, or hop over her, and then I realize, nope nothing is there, I just imagined it.
That's all I got today.