The Silence of Our Friends

Friday, October 16, 2009

Shoes and Cakes and More Stuff

For the last month I've been obsessed with shoes. I want to go on a shopping spree and buy dozens of pairs of shoes. I don't know why! First of all, if you know anything about me, you would know that I don't spend much money and I especially don't spend much money on myself. The sneakers I wear almost every day I've had for 5 or 6 years and I bought them on clearance for $10. Another thing to know about me, I suffer from edema, this is swelling in the extremities. I have gigantic elephant feet. So the stupidest thing for me to do is buy shoes, because what the hell size do you buy when your feet are normal in the morning, start swelling by afternoon, and are gigantic by evening? Those sneakers I told you about? I have the laces loosened up on them for my fat feet, or else I wear a pair of slippers my husband bought me something like 10 or 12 years ago. Geez, why am I telling my readers any of this? I sound like such a frump, and you know what? I am! But this frump suddenly wants shoes! I want someone to explain this to me, why I would suddenly want to buy shoes out of the blue? I haven't acted on this impulse except to go "window shopping" online, since as you know, I am broke. Damn shoe stores want money for their shoes!

Anyway, that is about as deep as my thoughts go lately. Shoes! I don't like thinking of too much or else I just get depressed by it all. Shoes are not depressing, when you look at shoes you imagine the places you would go in them, and the things you would do in them. Dresses are like that too, but come on, imagine me in a dress? Let's not get ridiculous now!

I did do something else out of character today though, I baked a cake, it was German chocolate. I found out that neither of my kids likes German chocolate cake too. This means I have to eat it all myself! I don't know if that's good or bad. I really should not eat a whole cake myself, but damn, German chocolate cake is tha bomb! You would think I would have found out long ago what my kids like and don't like, but as I said, it's out of character for me to bake cakes or bake anything really. And...last week I baked chocolate chip muffins. The kids loved them and I didn't get ANY of them!

Now those of you who sent me money are thinking, just look at this travesty! I help the woman out and instead of buying wholesome foods she is baking sugary junk food! We got wholesome too! I've been cooking up soups and stews. We're eating salads and stir fry...and we get muffins and cake too. I think I'll do brownies or cookies next week. So thank you all so much, I was able to buy enough groceries for the past two weeks and I should be good for this week too. I also paid my youngest son's dentist bill so that I could get my oldest son in. By the time he got in to see the dentist his teeth weren't hurting anymore, so whatever was going on might not have had anything to do with his impacted wisdom teeth. He does still need to have them pulled. Our whole family has narrow jaws without the room for wisdom teeth. In another couple years my youngest will need to have his wisdom teeth out too. Hopefully I'll find an oral surgeon who doesn't need money up front and doesn't mind putting it on a payment plan.

My dad is doing well, the chemo seems to be working and his doctors are hopeful. He's also bald and the steroids are causing his face to swell. He's depressed about that, but at least he doesn't sound frightened anymore. Maybe he's just better about hiding his feelings. I don't know really. I plan to go down to CT to see him in two weeks. I hope that seeing us cheers him up. What is really nice is that my brother in law said he would pay for me to come down and when I told another sister that I was coming she said she would pay and take my kids to Six Flags for Frightfest. Things like that make me tear up. When you find yourself in a bad situation its easy to let negativity take over. It's easy to feel like everything is your fault and all your decisions are wrong and that you're stupid for all the things you should have or could have done differently and then maybe things would have turned out better. When you feel this way you also think that everyone will abandon a loser like you. Who the hell wants to be involved with a dumbass who is just gloom and doom and trouble coming and going? But it didn't happen, when I really needed it, there was always someone there to help. People have been there to listen when I needed to be heard, to pray for us, and have helped me to buy groceries, gas, and pay a few bills. I still spend most days sad, confused, and scared...but I also have those moments when I am grateful, happy, and hopeful. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us through this mess!

7 comment(s):

Ay it's no one's place really to judge what you do with whatever help is given. Yes, you and your familia deserve healthy food but I think if you want a cake then let Donna have cake and shoes damnit! ja ja.

Un abrazo. Estas en mis pensamientos.

By Blogger Maegan la Mala, at 10/16/2009 10:52 AM  

I know, but I can't help but feel guilty and irresponsible! I couldn't eat the whole thing so I sent half of it over to one of my neighbors who has been helping me out and just there to listen. As for the shoes, I better wait until we get the edema under control before I even think about buying any. I do have a doctors appointment on Tuesday to see if we can figure out why this is happening again. For most of the summer I didn't have a problem with the edema but it has come back pretty bad during the past month and a half. It makes my feet sore all day and it wakes me up during the night even because they start throbbing. The good news is, I thought the edema meant my blood pressure is up again, but it's not. I've had my blood pressure checked several times and each time it's normal. So that's good. If it's not one thing it's another around here. We're even getting snow yesterday and today. Fortunately the ground is still too warm and it's not sticking. Snow in October is too early!

By Blogger Donna, at 10/19/2009 4:56 AM  

I think it's awesome you're baking stuff and enjoying it and I could give a good goddamn what it is. I'm just mad I don't get to taste it, because ooh, I LOVE German chocolate cake.

I'm calling s-t-r-e-s-s on the edema, but better that than high blood pressure.

And YAY for a trip to Connecticut and your father feeling better. That's wonderful.

By Blogger K, at 10/21/2009 4:34 AM  

Donna, when I was in financial hard times, I found myself suddenly wanting to go shopping as well. It distracts you from the crap in your life, and owning something new feels nice when you haven't had anything new in a while. And since shoes are impractical due to the edema, it probably feels a bit rebellious and decadent to want them. Perfectly natural!

As for the cake--OMG YUM!!!!!!!!

Did I tell you YUM!!!!!!?

Homemade cake is like 100 levels of awesome.

By Anonymous Sheelzebub, at 10/30/2009 1:13 PM  

It really is the best. Since I don't bake, I'm used to buying from the grocery store bakery when I want sweets, but it's not the same. Bakery cakes are light and fluffy, home baked is heavier and richer, or it just seems that way to me. And the brownies were heaven eating them while they are still warm and gooey! That's why I'm doing cookies next, I want those warm from the oven too!

By Blogger Donna, at 11/01/2009 1:51 AM  

And the comment about the shoes makes a lot of sense too. I didn't think of that! I'm thinking that there is such a huge sense of loss, including loss of control, and the fear of change. Shopping and buying nice things would be a nice change and fills the void in a small way. Even though I didn't buy anything, even the window shopping part was so much fun. I know what I do want when I finally get some money anyway! LOL

By Blogger Donna, at 11/01/2009 2:02 AM  

I think it's awesome you're baking stuff and enjoying it

By Anonymous Term Paper, at 4/05/2010 5:17 AM  

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