The Silence of Our Friends

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Please pray for us

Things are very bad in my life right now. About a month ago my husband and I had what I thought was a minor argument, which he decided to escalate into a major argument. It ended with him shooting our cat. We've had that cat for 10 years and loved her so much. Afterwards, my husband just sat there smiling, while the kids and I were hysterical with grief. I had never seen him like that. He had been drinking heavily, he's an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic for at least 15 years out of the 20 we have been together, but it had gotten progressively worse. He was drinking 60 beers a week at least, and sometimes bought a bottle of whiskey too.

The next morning I made a police report and went to court for an order of protection, a restraining order. I was so relieved when it was granted. But time is running out, it was only good for 30 days, and then we go back to court on Friday. I don't want him home.

He's done other things since then, he canceled my credit cards, and he emptied out the bank account. He didn't just take the money, he also took the overdraft protection. Our balance is -500. I had to go to social services and get emergency food stamps to keep us going.

I had thought that maybe after time has gone by that he would come to his senses, that somehow we could get him psychatric care, into a substance abuse program, and get family counseling, but I don't think so anymore.

I talked to his sister, she says he's not sorry for any of it. About leaving his family with nothing, he says, "The gravy train has come to an end." He doesn't think he has any responsibility to take care of his family. It's like we've only been a bunch of deadbeat roommates mooching off him for the last 20 years. Nothing I've done counts for anything. I am a good mother. I was a good wife. I loved taking care of my family and home. But none of it counts for anything, we're nothing to him.

He's still so angry and vengeful, and I don't understand. I did nothing wrong. The minor argument? It was because I wouldn't take a phone call from his niece. I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to talk on the phone. He flew into a rage over that, told me that I will do what he tells me to do or he will divorce me. All this because I didn't want to talk on the phone.

I'm so afraid that the court won't extend the temporary restraing order, or grant a permanent one. I don't know what he will do to us if he gets back in the house, and I've been told not to leave. If we divorce he will get the home if I abandon it. I don't know what to do, I am afraid for our safety if we stay, but I need our home for our children.

If you believe in God, please pray for us, at least send good thoughts and wishes if you don't. I've had many other difficult times in my life, but I've never felt so terrified and desperate as I do now. I wish we could just run far far away from him and start a new life somewhere else, where we can be safe and happy, but we can't. So please pray for us.

24 comment(s):

I sent you DM's on Twitter. xo

By Blogger Joan Kelly, at 8/14/2009 2:10 PM  

Ugh. Hang tight. Will spread word. PS: There is no reason for or on madness. He is mad. You don't need to look for a reason or cause...esp on your end. <3

By Anonymous Nezua, at 8/15/2009 6:07 PM  

I don't have a god, but goodness only knows I've been thinking of you from the moment I heard about this. And if there is anything or anyone good out there, things must come right for you. I'm sorry you've gone through this.

By Blogger Ruth Moss, at 8/15/2009 6:11 PM  

Dear Donna,
1) I was wondering why you hadn't seemed to be online much. I am SO sorry this was happening.

2) I would like to help. Is there a safe, accessible way for me to send money?

I e-mailed you at an account I had in my "Contacts" for you--you can reach me that way.

By Anonymous Katie, at 8/15/2009 6:28 PM  

I will pray for you, too, Donna.

By Blogger K, at 8/15/2009 6:31 PM  

hi - i came here via nezua's twitter. i'm a legal aid lawyer in los angeles and have worked in family law. your story really concerned me and i wanted to offer a few suggestions, not as your lawyer of course, but just as someone who has worked with domestic violence for a while.

my first suggestion is to contact your local legal aid to get a lawyer. representing yourself in something as complicated and emotional as this can be very difficult. a lawyer can help you renew the restraining order at the hearing. frankly, with the level of violence you describe towards your cat, i think you should be entitled to an extended order.

i also think that would be helpful because it sounds like he is good at using outside institutions to further his treatment of you - using the banks and the credit card companies, for example. it's likely that he'll try to manipulate the court in the same way, and a lawyer can do a lot to prevent that from happening.

a good legal aid lawyer should also be able to help you with things like emergency food stamps, potential TANF benefits, anything else to make things easier for you right now and lets you focus on yourself and your kids instead of worrying about how to handle the divorce and the house and all of that.

i think from your profile you're in wisconsin. here's contact info for the two legal aids for the state, depending on which part of the state you're in. if you're in the milwalkee area, here's the specific contact info for their family law sections.

i hope this can maybe take some of the hassle off your plate so you can use all your energy to take care of yourself. i wish you well.

By Blogger abby jean, at 8/15/2009 6:32 PM  

donna, i'm praying for you & yours. holding you in love & light. intending with you that you are safely and wholly carried OUT of this mess and into the safe, loving, peaceful place you deserve.
-- dopegirlfresh

By Blogger sparkle, at 8/15/2009 6:44 PM  

Hi Donna-I was where you are right now a long time ago, and I can tell you this right now that a restraining order doesn't mean anything, especially in a home you shared with him. You need to take your children and leave and you need to find a job. I moved in the same city. I had a restraining order, too. He found us and he kept finding us until I left the state. I left the state because the last time he found us, he held a gun to his son's head and said he would kill us both and I knew this. I went to my family, and then I disappeared. Donna my son is 35 years old and he still remembers the day his father held a gone to his head. With the problems with your husband, it doesn't sound like your house was much of a home anyway. Material things can be replaced. When that order expires, he's going to be angry and he's going to blame you. You need to find safety. Because it's a domestic situation, you can't assume the police will be there. They don't like domestic cases like these and it doesn't sound like things will ever get better with him. Put you and your children first and then make a plan, get help from your family, don't tell them where you're going, and then go.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8/15/2009 8:43 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

By Blogger Meredith, at 8/16/2009 9:45 AM  

Donna, I have money. If you email me, I can send you some. Not much, but a little bit for now, and more in a few weeks.

By Anonymous Anna, at 8/16/2009 9:56 AM  

I heard about your situation via Twitter. Can we donate specifically for you through the paypal button on this blog?

I'll pray that you and yours keep safe.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8/16/2009 10:49 AM  

Please let us know that you're safe for now.


By Blogger Lauren, at 8/16/2009 12:23 PM  

(A different K from above) For the folks asking if Paypal is a safe donation method, i.e., accessible only by her, Donna assured me via email that it is.

Take care, Donna, and be in touch when you can. Love ya bunches!

By Blogger K, at 8/16/2009 1:19 PM  

I don't know you, but I am praying for you, and if I weren't unemployed, I'd be sending you whatever I had.

I'm horrified by what you have survived. As an animal lover who has also experienced domestic violence, my heart aches for you, your children, and the innocent cat which was stolen from you all. I am so sorry. I hope that you are delivered from fear, wrath and danger immediately.

By Blogger suitablegirl, at 8/17/2009 3:49 AM  

Found your story via twitter. What a strong woman and a wonderful mother you are! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

By Anonymous Kristen, at 8/17/2009 4:08 AM  

K, thanks for passing on the info (that the Paypal link is accessible only by Donna).

By Anonymous Katie, at 8/17/2009 10:35 AM  

Donna, email me if you need to. I can send you my numbers if you need to talk or if you need anything at all. I can help watch the kids if you need it or run errands or just provide an ear and a shoulder. If you are still in NH, I'm not that far away--I'm in Mass.


By Blogger Sheelzebub, at 8/21/2009 10:13 PM  

Sent what little I could via paypal, and keeping you in my thoughts. Please please please be safe...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8/25/2009 9:29 PM  

I'm so sorry! You didn't do anything to deserve this- as someone who dated a schizophrenic for a few years, I can tell you that crazy is just crazy and I wish you the best, but you are in no way responsible for such madness.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9/09/2009 4:07 PM  

Very late leaving this comment - I don't know what force compelled me to click your link on Sage's blog, but my heart sank when I read of your poor murdered kitty...
My 1st husband didn't even have the excuse of alcoholism; he was (IS!) just a sociopathic bastard who killed a kitten of ours when we had barely been married a year. [I've never been able to write about it, but I will some day - need to purge that guilt about STAYING all those years thereafter...]

By Blogger Val, at 9/15/2009 1:23 PM  

Please pray for your husband. None of this has anything to do with you being a good person, a loving wife and mother. This whole story is horrific. Please help pray for this man to be released of all evil and find God's way.
I'm not really a "religious" person, perhaps because I haven't found the right place to pray? I am very spiritual though, and believe that we need to pray (whatever that means to you)

You are not doing anything wrong, your husband needs help. This does not mean that you should welcome him back, however you could pray for him and hope that he finds his way.
Wishing you all the best

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By Blogger madonnalouise, at 8/19/2010 7:42 AM  

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By Anonymous beyonce, at 8/26/2010 6:20 AM  

Praying to the God Who created the universe, and each of us in His image...His will be done

By Blogger David Frederick Baldner, at 7/28/2012 11:38 AM  

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