The Silence of Our Friends

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I'm Still Around But...


Doesn't that sound so dramatic? I'll give you something that really sounds dramatic, go here and press the play button. That right there is the soundtrack to my life.

Anyway, things are still one big super dooper crapfest in my life, but I manage to keep on keeping on every day by thinking and doing stupid and weird things. It's better than dwelling on how crappy things are, no? One of the weird things I have been doing is eating lemons, I don't know why, but I'm craving them. So I eat them like normal people eat apples or oranges. I bet I'm craving them because I HAVE SCURVY!!!!! (There I go with the drama again...)

Things didn't go so well in Connecticut. My oldest son got the flu the during the week, but was okay by the weekend, so we went. But I didn't think things through, my father couldn't see us anyway. I already knew that he probably shouldn't see my oldest just in case he was still carrying the virus, but didn't think about what if I or my youngest caught it and just weren't showing symptoms yet? My sister, who is a nurse, is the one who told me that. She said none of us can go see my dad, not if there is any chance we could give him the flu. Because of the chemo, his immune system is so weak that catching the flu could kill him. rained all weekend so no Six Flags for the kids. I felt so bad for them, everything in their lives has been shitty for the last several months, I wanted them to have something good happen for once. They are such good kids they deserve something good in their lives but all they get is disappointment. For example, wouldn't you expect their grades to be falling behind after all of this that they are going through? Instead I got progress reports last week and both of them are getting straight A's! My oldest struggles with his classes because he has autism, so generally he gets C's. This was a huge happy surprise for me. I wish I could do more than give him a hug as a reward, especially since he doesn't like hugs. LOL

I'll have you know, the baking continues! I did do the brownies and I plan on doing cookies tomorrow. I'm managing to do all this baking without burning anything so far *knock on wood*. One of the reasons I don't bake is that I have no patience, so I wander off and forget that I have something in the oven and end up with burnt baked goods.

I'm over the shoe thing though and I didn't even buy any. I'd really like an explanation for that shoe obsessed episode though, why would someone who normally isn't all that interested in buying shoes suddenly get the urge to shop for them?

Anyway, money is still tight and my husband still isn't helping much, so some of the bills aren't getting paid. That's the reason for the drama in the first sentence. I didn't pay for my internet this month so I expect it to be shut off, I don't know how long it takes them to get around to doing that though. So I better get my internet time in now and say what I want to say before *poof* I'm gone! I'm sure I'll still pop in occasionally when I get down to the library and let you all know that I'm still hanging in there.

*MWAAAAAH* sending you all smooches for being there for me!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Shoes and Cakes and More Stuff

For the last month I've been obsessed with shoes. I want to go on a shopping spree and buy dozens of pairs of shoes. I don't know why! First of all, if you know anything about me, you would know that I don't spend much money and I especially don't spend much money on myself. The sneakers I wear almost every day I've had for 5 or 6 years and I bought them on clearance for $10. Another thing to know about me, I suffer from edema, this is swelling in the extremities. I have gigantic elephant feet. So the stupidest thing for me to do is buy shoes, because what the hell size do you buy when your feet are normal in the morning, start swelling by afternoon, and are gigantic by evening? Those sneakers I told you about? I have the laces loosened up on them for my fat feet, or else I wear a pair of slippers my husband bought me something like 10 or 12 years ago. Geez, why am I telling my readers any of this? I sound like such a frump, and you know what? I am! But this frump suddenly wants shoes! I want someone to explain this to me, why I would suddenly want to buy shoes out of the blue? I haven't acted on this impulse except to go "window shopping" online, since as you know, I am broke. Damn shoe stores want money for their shoes!

Anyway, that is about as deep as my thoughts go lately. Shoes! I don't like thinking of too much or else I just get depressed by it all. Shoes are not depressing, when you look at shoes you imagine the places you would go in them, and the things you would do in them. Dresses are like that too, but come on, imagine me in a dress? Let's not get ridiculous now!

I did do something else out of character today though, I baked a cake, it was German chocolate. I found out that neither of my kids likes German chocolate cake too. This means I have to eat it all myself! I don't know if that's good or bad. I really should not eat a whole cake myself, but damn, German chocolate cake is tha bomb! You would think I would have found out long ago what my kids like and don't like, but as I said, it's out of character for me to bake cakes or bake anything really. And...last week I baked chocolate chip muffins. The kids loved them and I didn't get ANY of them!

Now those of you who sent me money are thinking, just look at this travesty! I help the woman out and instead of buying wholesome foods she is baking sugary junk food! We got wholesome too! I've been cooking up soups and stews. We're eating salads and stir fry...and we get muffins and cake too. I think I'll do brownies or cookies next week. So thank you all so much, I was able to buy enough groceries for the past two weeks and I should be good for this week too. I also paid my youngest son's dentist bill so that I could get my oldest son in. By the time he got in to see the dentist his teeth weren't hurting anymore, so whatever was going on might not have had anything to do with his impacted wisdom teeth. He does still need to have them pulled. Our whole family has narrow jaws without the room for wisdom teeth. In another couple years my youngest will need to have his wisdom teeth out too. Hopefully I'll find an oral surgeon who doesn't need money up front and doesn't mind putting it on a payment plan.

My dad is doing well, the chemo seems to be working and his doctors are hopeful. He's also bald and the steroids are causing his face to swell. He's depressed about that, but at least he doesn't sound frightened anymore. Maybe he's just better about hiding his feelings. I don't know really. I plan to go down to CT to see him in two weeks. I hope that seeing us cheers him up. What is really nice is that my brother in law said he would pay for me to come down and when I told another sister that I was coming she said she would pay and take my kids to Six Flags for Frightfest. Things like that make me tear up. When you find yourself in a bad situation its easy to let negativity take over. It's easy to feel like everything is your fault and all your decisions are wrong and that you're stupid for all the things you should have or could have done differently and then maybe things would have turned out better. When you feel this way you also think that everyone will abandon a loser like you. Who the hell wants to be involved with a dumbass who is just gloom and doom and trouble coming and going? But it didn't happen, when I really needed it, there was always someone there to help. People have been there to listen when I needed to be heard, to pray for us, and have helped me to buy groceries, gas, and pay a few bills. I still spend most days sad, confused, and scared...but I also have those moments when I am grateful, happy, and hopeful. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us through this mess!