The Silence of Our Friends

Monday, November 20, 2006

Less Family Drama, I Think...

Small update: If you aren't interested in my nutty family skip this post, there are a couple of other new ones below.

I got a call from my sister a couple of days ago, and the situation has completely reversed itself out in Connecticut. Yes, it's truly bizarre. All my sisters are speaking to my dad now except me! I have mixed feelings about that, mostly it doesn't affect me, and I don't want to speak to my dad anyway, but I do worry that he might try to turn them against me. Although for the most part I think, yeah, good luck with that. He's a wily one though.

As I mentioned before, CJ was broken up about this, so it comes as no surprise that she is already talking with him. But she found out that my dad was pulling all kinds of b.s. behind the scenes and in a complicated situation, our baby sister is involved in a nasty custody battle which my father's machinations could affect. Since he wasn't speaking to DA, he went behind her back to her ex to see his grandson without her knowing a thing about it. The saddest part is, he never gave a damn about his grandson when he was speaking to all of us and didn't call her to spend time with him then. It's only now when he wants to pump the kid and the ex in laws for information that suddenly he needs to see him. He had also been calling the husbands behind CJ and EG's backs on their cell phones to find out what we have been saying about him and doing. He couldn't do that with my husband since we are neandertals who never got cell phones. He would have to call the house direct and I would probably be the one to answer.

Anyway, CJ called DA to warn her that our dad was seeing her son behind her back and that it probably wouldn't look good in court so that she should contact him and either tell him to go through her when she has him or tell him to knock it off. She did call him and told him to go through her, and mostly made up with him then, but also took him over to EG's house and while he was there he pretended like nothing happened which was fine with EG. EG still doesn't know that dad was calling her husband, and worst of all, neither CJ or I want to be the one to tell her, because her husband was being a blabbermouth! He is a lovable but gullible person and really believes that my dad was only concerned about us. Seriously, he was never concerned before, but now my dad has to know all the minute details of our business? If we told EG she would kill her husband, and if we told DA how much he told our father about her divorce, custody, and living situation, she would kill him a second time.

Can you see why it isn't exactly killing me that I'm still not speaking to my dad? Man, he is a Machiavellian character. He's always been able to move us like chess pieces in the past but lost that power. That's all this is, a big power over struggle to him. Not about love, or missing us. Fuck him.

2 comment(s):

It must be that Mercury retrograde or something. People backpedaling.

I officially disowned my mother this week. My father, I haven't spoken to or seen in over 30 years, but it is hard to let go of two parents so I put up with her lying and manipulating etc etc (I think you know what I mean!) all this time, but she really stepped over a line this time. Not a huge one, but the last one.

I have accepted that none of my siblings are likely to make this choice (are you the oldest as well?) because they have not been the targeted scapegoat (truthteller). But I am finally ok with that. They are all gathering for the thanksgiving holiday and I will not be there. In the past I would have felt so betrayed and left out, but you know, it is ok, I really hope they have a good time and I am really relieved not to have to feel as though I have to put up with any of it. I still have a really good relationship with my sisters, and I realize that now my relationship with them will be a lot cleaner than it was before when they were constantly being tugged between me and my mother (they are totally intimidated by her--interestingly, she is a died in the wool Limbaugh/O'Reilly loving wingnut unlike everyone else in the family).

So all this to say, I relate to what you are going through, and I wish I had found a way to be ok with it years ago. I feel tremendous relief , and you know what, my sisters are all grown up and I have confidence that they will make the choices that they need to make -- for them -- in their own way and in their own way. Major step forward for me!

By Anonymous sunrunner, at 11/21/2006 8:28 PM  

I'm the second. EG is the oldest, CJ the one I've been talking the most about is third, and DA is the youngest. I am also the one LEAST targeted by my dad. He rarely gave me any problems and alot of that is due to physical distance. My sisters and father live in Connecticut while I am out here in Wisconsin. The weirdest part of all, I'm the only one who can actually talk to my dad, a real conversation. We share alot of interests. My sisters tell me they aren't sure what to talk about around him so it's small talk, like strangers at a party.

I told my husband when I wrote my letter that I hope my father takes it all out on me and not on them. The only thing I hoped to achieve is that he would treat them better. It's possible but not likely that this will happen. I think he will in the short term but will go back to his old demanding and selfish ways in the long run. But I said in another post that he treated my mother badly but learned his lesson when she left and puts his second wife up on a pedastal, so that old dog does occasionally learn new tricks.

Having said that, I do experience those betrayal twinges, because I am the one left out even though this is what I intended in the first place, it's still hard to accept that it has come to pass. Lucky for me it is only twinges. Part of the reason is probably because of the distance I see him more clearly than my sisters do and my experiences with him though rare have gotten increasingly unpleasant. Why would I want it to continue getting nastier and meaner?

LOL One last thing, I don't know if my dad listens to Limbaugh or O'Reilly but he is most definitely a wingnut Republican. My sisters are apolitical. I can't even convince them to vote even begging, but their outlook would tend towards progressive/liberal.

By Blogger Donna, at 11/21/2006 9:38 PM  

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