The Silence of Our Friends

Friday, October 27, 2006

Personal updates

I know some of you have been following my adventures and thought I better give a bit of an update.

The biopsy went fine. The results are different than I expected, I think. They said it's fibroadenosis, which I think is different than sclerosing adenosis. It's benign and as you might guess I'm happy about that.

Since I've decided to take this whole blogging thing seriously and continue, I better tell a little more about myself. I'm not a healthy person. I've had degenerative disc disease for several years and have three herniated discs in my neck that have gotten progressively worse over the years. At first when I had a flare up I could take prednisone for a few days and be painfree for months afterwards. That's not working anymore. I've also had epidural injections, physical therapy, and various meds for pain. I'm due to go into see a neurologist for a second opinion, an orthopedic surgeon recommended fusion. I'm not thrilled with the idea of having surgery especially since I have heard that in Europe and other areas of the world people are having disc replacement surgery but it's not FDA approved yet here. I was hoping to hold out until it was approved because I understand you have full use of your spine instead of having an area fused together and it appears that I would need at least two fusions/replacements. I also heard that healing is much faster since the replacement disc operates the same as the original so you don't need to wait for the bone to graft together as in a fusion.

The reason I thought it was important for people to know about this is because there are days when I feel "stupid". It is due to whether I need more or less vicodin to function during the day. So if it appears that I am not making sense, it's probably because I have had a little more vicodin than normal that day. The worst effect is my memory, I can't think of words I would commonly use. That's when I know I should get offline. LOL It's much worse in person and I'm taking my time speaking or having to explain what I mean because I can think of the right damned word! I also have a hard time following a single train of thought, which actually is fairly normal for me, but exaggerated when I'm having a bad day. (I had to sit for about a minute to remember the word exaggerated just now, and turned to my son to ask him, "What was that thing called when I got those shots in my neck?" so that he could tell me epi-something to remind me that it's epidural.)

I'm hoping that people will be willing to give me a little latitude and ask me to restate myself in those moments when I'm not especially clear. I'm self confident enough to think that I am not really stupid and do have worthwhile things to say, but I also am becoming more and more aware of how badly the vicodin is affecting me and my ability to concentrate and communicate.

The last piece of personal news, my sister seems to be taking the break with our father well and has mostly accepted it. I still talk to her almost every day, but we aren't dwelling on him anymore. But she talked to my husband yesterday and found out that I never did read his last nasty letter. My husband read it and told me not to. He knows me well enough to know how angry I would get, how much it would hurt, etc and I've taken his advice. My sister told me today to just shred it. My husband is leaning that way too, but so far I can not bring myself to do it. I don't know if one day I will want to know what my father said, hurtful or not. I guess I would like some outside opinions from people who are fairly objective. Would you stick it in the bottom of a drawer and mostly forget it, in case the day comes when you feel you really need to know. Or just get rid of the poison?

Geez, I know it sounds like my life is so depressing since I've only been talking about the bad. It's not really that awful. The vicodin means that I can function most days. The biopsy results were good. Health insurance to pay for the poking and prodding. No one is wailing and moaning over dear old dad anymore. I have a lovable husband and two perfect sons. I've just finished reading Pride and Prejudice while "recuperating". We are finally replacing the nasty carpet in our basement (it's partially finished) on monday. We saw "The Departed" at the movies last night (it was really good!) And Detroit is in the World Series. Ok, I don't really care about that, but my husband who was born and raised in Michigan does. When he is happy so am I. So Detroit better tie the series up tonight. I also have a cat. It's a good life with lots to be thankful for.

7 comment(s):

You have always made sense to me. Good luck on that. Hopefully the FDA will get on the ball.

I would shred the letter. Why do you need to know exactly what is said, you know it is bad. Right now I bet it is like a piece of poison sucking up all the air around it, which is probaly thick and tense air. Take a deep breath, shred it, empty the trash (in the recycle I hope) and exhale.

By Blogger ChasingMoksha, at 10/28/2006 1:50 AM  

Don't shred it unless you are absolutely certain that is what you want to do. Its not something you need to decide right away . . . if there is a peice of you that still wants to read it someday (when you are not so afraid of your own anger), hold off.

I have burned letters, nasty ones at that, in great haste and there have been times when I have wished I hadn't.

Bottom line, it is your call, and your heart will know what to do, and when to do it.

By Anonymous sunrunner, at 10/28/2006 6:15 PM  

I'm sorry about your health problems, Donna, but am happy you are dealing with them well. Such adaptable creatures, we are.

As for the letter, if you are going to read it eventually, I would say read it now while you are already angry and hurt and frustrated. And then tear it up and forget about it. I don't know that leaving it til some future time when it can sort of ambush you and cause the same feelings all over again would be a good thing. Get it done, and over with.

That said, what I would do, personally, is shred it right now, unless you think it will add anything at all beneficial to your life. Otherwise, why even give him that little bit of power of having it hanging over your head, or infesting your thoughts?

You'll know which way to go, though, I agree.

By Blogger Nanette, at 10/28/2006 11:19 PM  

Oh, and yes, you've also always made very good sense to me, too. And to many others, if all the people urging you to get your own blog, just from reading your comments, is any indication.

By Blogger Nanette, at 10/28/2006 11:20 PM  

So much love to you and your health . IN my mind alwyas

On teh letter

I'm so torn on one hand if you know youll go nubclear , if you know it was done for that purpose . I can;t see why youd keep it

BUT

HOw bad would you feel if it was gone.

By Blogger Blackamazon, at 10/29/2006 8:32 AM  

Well, that's partly why I was ribbing you so hard, Donna. You sure seem to deal with a lot. It could give one a heavy heart. I feel for you in this. Man, what a situation.

I've shredded that letter. And I've read it, too. I think I'm glad for those times I've shredded it. Why do I need to dwell in pain? However, I would make sure the person knew I hadn't read it, thus turning any pleasure they get from hurting me back on themselves. I'm a sweetie like that.

By Anonymous nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez, at 10/29/2006 12:08 PM  

It is possible to blog and be coherent while out of your head on morphine-derivatives: I'm on massive doses of codeine and other painkillers and I hope I still make sense.

Better living through chemistry!

Re the letter, not really my business as a mere lurker but as I'm also a veteran of some seriously nasty parental problems (both of mine are dead now), I'd read it and deal as well as you can with the poison now, rather than have it radiating hate at you in a drawer somewhere: either that or burn it, unread.

Read it and destroy it or just destroy it - don't keep it and not read it, it will nag at you for ever.

By Blogger Republic of Palau, at 11/10/2006 3:27 AM  

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