The Silence of Our Friends

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Still More Family Drama

Sorry I haven't posted anything recently. I'm still dealing with some of the family drama aftermath, and have just regular stuff to do around here too.

Much thanks to those who have stopped by to offer their support. I really do appreciate it!

My dad is still messing around with my sister's head. He stopped by her house, she assumed because he was worried about her, not so much. He came to ask her husband to come work on HIS house and pretty much blew her off.

This is part of the complicated mess that I alluded to earlier. Since my father remarried, they treat her side of the family much better than ours, but if there is any work to be done they come to our side of the family, because the princes and princesses must not get their hands dirty. In other words, unconditional love for her side of the family, but we are treated like crap but get nothing for our troubles except dad bitching at us for not being good enough. It's not that we expect anything, we don't, but the way my father has always shown his love is through money. So it says alot about what he thinks of us vs. them. They've been coddled their whole lives with their college completely paid for, weddings, and hand outs when they find themselves in financial difficulty. We know better than to even ask; so student loans and hard work paid for college/nursing school for us, we paid for our own weddings, and no help what-so-ever even during some very desperate times. I told my husband when we were struggling that I could not ask, because he would hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives. He'd probably only send $50 anyway but we would hear, "I helped you out when you really needed it and now you refuse to kiss my ass????" anytime he wanted something from us, so it was better to figure out some other way than get anything from him. There are always strings attached where he is concerned.

When he wants something it's the opposite. They have moved several times and each time it is our side of the family that helps them pack, clean, move, fix up the new residence. Her family is nowhere in sight. He told us that he wanted to have a family reunion. He is originally from Buffalo, NY and much of his family is still there. He and my sisters are in CT. Other relatives are in the south. So it takes alot of planning to get this thing to work. But he proceeded to do nothing about it, and started dropping hints that he expected us to plan it. We did, hours of planning, calling distant relatives, making all the arrangements since he wouldn't get off his butt to do anything. It cost us all huge amounts of money and our vacation time for the year, but we did it. When he plans anything else, like holiday parties, it is up to our side of the family to make the elaborate dishes while hers shows up with a bag of chips or 12 pack of soda. You get the idea...

Anyway, when I wrote that letter to him, I told him this. That we saw the differences and saw how he uses us vs asking nothing of them. I thought since he disowned us that it would at least put a stop to it, but no. After sending a nasty letter to us all, he shows up at her house unexpected. She's thinking he wants to make it up to her, but he takes off to find her husband next door. She thought he was just going to say hello but no, she's waiting waiting waiting. He finally comes back and tells her he is still mad and leaves. She found out from her husband that he asked him to help fix up his latest house! That is all he came for! The hardest part for me is that he picked her to do this to. She is the one hurting the most and so it left her more confused and hurt than ever. Un-fucking-believeable.

6 comment(s):

I'm so sorry, Donna. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Love,

Hanna

By Anonymous Hanna, at 10/15/2006 3:17 PM  

It would be great if your side of family all agreed on a pact, that if your father called or came by asking for help with something that will benefit his new wife/life that the answer will be NO, without explanation. I am interested in knowing if your sister's husband agreed to go over there or not. It is like your father is ashamed of what he created and pretend like is different. Like yall are his laborers or something. I'm sorry. I hope your sister begins to see the reality of the situation.

By Blogger ChasingMoksha, at 10/15/2006 3:55 PM  

Boy what a tough time this is, especially for your sister if she's holding on to hope. And for you, of course, trying to hold everyone together.

Also, what Moksha and Hanna said.

By Blogger Nanette, at 10/16/2006 10:28 PM  

I haven't heard from my sister today, so I hope that is good news. Her husband couldn't help my father even if he wanted to. They bought a house on a double lot years ago, and finally built their dream house on the other lot. They are renting the other house. They just moved into their new home in September, got a new tenant in the upstairs (where they used to live) soon after, but this month the downstairs tennant moved out so they have been fixing that up, as well as trying to get settled into the new house.

That is what makes my father's visit so insane! He knows they are trying to fix up their own house, and he knows they are responsible for the other house too! But he still comes looking for free labor to work on his house over an hour away, and no, he doesn't even give gas money to get over there and there is no highways, it's all twisty country roads through small towns in CT!

Moksha, I wish we could all come to an agreement like that, but I know that if this brother in law wasn't swamped...he would have immediately gone over to help my dad. He loved his own father dearly and misses him, and has never been one to say no to someone in need. The same goes for my oldest sister's husband, if my dad asks him, he might sneak behind her back and do it, he's really into his Christian religion, forgiveness, helping anyone in need, etc. We married kind decent men, and I hate it sometimes! LOL I really wish they would see that he is a user who doesn't give a damn about them, and in fact never raised a finger to help them out when they needed it, but they want to be better people than he is, the moral high ground and all that.

My sisters and I have had enough. We've had the moral high ground for some 16-17 years now and are taking the low road to damnation! LOL

It's actually very easy for me. I live in Wisconsin, they are in Connecticut. I saw him maybe once or twice a year. So I think it hasn't hit me that hard because I can sort of pretend it's not happening. It's not like it's much different now for me than it has been for many many years running now.

I'm really glad I took up blogging to get this out of my system, at least on someone else besides my poor husband. I don't like to bring him into it very much because he gets as angry as I do. I think if we were in CT he would go over there and rip my dad a new one. My husband had an awful dad though, his father was one of those guys who never had a nice thing to say about his kids, it was all critcism about how they weren't good enough. So he doesn't like to see me or my sisters go through this one bit, he identifies with us too strongly. I'm not sure if it's blessing or curse for either one of us.

I thank the three of you for your kind words and for listening to me rant!

By Blogger Donna, at 10/17/2006 2:49 AM  

Well thank the goddess for small blessings in that your bro-in-law has too much on his plate to get sucked in!

I find it very helpful to stand back and look at these kinds of relatives as though they were complete strangers--and what I generally see is small, scared, weak men. Wonderfully liberating . . .the knot, the fear, the caring is gone because they simply are not capable of being anything other than scared, dependent (which is what motivates their attempts at tyranny) little boys.

The other thing to remember is that it only takes a little time to diffuse the drama!

Hang in their Donna!

By Anonymous sunrunner, at 10/17/2006 9:03 AM  

I find it very helpful to stand back and look at these kinds of relatives as though they were complete strangers--and what I generally see is small, scared, weak men. Wonderfully liberating . . .the knot, the fear, the caring is gone because they simply are not capable of being anything other than scared, dependent (which is what motivates their attempts at tyranny) little boys.

Yes: I am trying to learn this. This situation with your father is heart-rending, Donna, but I'm glad you've written about it. I've got a similar situation with a sibling. Our aged parents are sad that I have decided to stop serving him (because it means, essentially, the end of the relationship), but the thing is that that window dressing did not mean a relationship other than one of servitude (although that is too strong a word).

By Blogger Professor Zero, at 11/18/2006 7:20 PM  

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