The Silence of Our Friends

Thursday, February 01, 2007


There have been some interesting developments in the last week or two. We will be moving out east again! I'm a little bummed that it isn't Connecticut, but my husband was offered a transfer to New Hampshire and we are taking it.

About two years ago my husband and I had a huge argument. I was ready to leave him and go back home without him. The funny thing is after it was quiet again, he asked me if he could go with me! LOL Once I thought about it, it made sense. I wasn't unhappy with him, I was unhappy with being so far away from my friends and family. I only have superficial friends in Wisconsin no one I ever really felt close with. Those of you who have read my blog over the last few months probably know more about me and my feelings than my neighbors who have known of me for years. We only live in Wisconsin because it is near his friends and family. I assumed they would be as supportive of him (and by extension me and the kids) as my family would have been. They have NOT! When we first moved here his sister and her family lived less than an hour away, she rarely visited us, and when we called to ask her to come, or see if we were welcome there, she either made excuses or you could tell she was inviting us but wasn't exactly thrilled about it. So we finally just stopped going there or inviting her to our place. Then we found out that his parents had been coming down from Michigan to visit her and her family and didn't even bother telling us. Didn't come to see us, and didn't tell us they would be there so we could make arrangements to come to see them either. I always knew I wasn't exactly accepted, up where my husband is from is a tiny insular community, and I think they expected him to marry someone from there. Another sister married a man from Missouri and he said he got the same treatment as I did, we are outsiders. So the family support and love I expected wasn't there, not even for him, so what the hell are we doing here? Well, at least he had his friends, only he didn't. They have drifted away over the years and don't have the same interests as they did when they were kids growing up together. And to top it off he hates his work, together with the guys he works with there is alot of drama like they are a disfunctional family, and the supervisor is a micromanager who doesn't appreciate anything that goes right but comes down on them hard when anything goes wrong. So again, why are we here???

So he put in for transfers to Hartford, CT; Providence, RI; and Manchester, NH. We got Manchester! So if I am not around much it's because I have to spend my time packing and cleaning instead of blogging.

My husband still has mixed feelings about the move. And I don't blame him because I have them too but for different reasons. He still doesn't want to leave his friends and family especially his mother. His father passed away so she lives alone now and needs him more. That's what pisses me off. I'm sure she loves him in her way, but now suddenly she thinks it's important to see "us", and just happens to need some plumbing done, or her car needs a tune up, or she can't handle some insurance forms and he can help her with that, but of course her invites aren't really all about that, suuuuuuuure. My husband is one of those people who does like being needed though. I don't have a problem with helping the people you love, and if I can do something for my friends or family, I will and be happy to do so. BUT my friends and family do not expect it every time they see me! They are happy to see me and my family just to see me and my family, not because I can do this or that for them while I am there!

My mixed feelings are just about how much work is involved especially since I have the herniated disks in my neck, and more importantly the kids. They are friendly and likeable and I think they will make friends easily in NH, but I can't be certain of that or that they will like their school. The biggest reason for staying is because of how happy they are here. A move is easier for little kids, but next year they will both be in high school. That's where everyone is settled into their cliques and have friends they have known since they were 8 or 10 etc. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see how things are going to turn out. If it's going to be a disaster for them, I'd rather put up with Wisconsin for 4 more years. Well, it's too late now anyway since my husband already accepted the promotion.

Wish us luck!

15 comment(s):

Oh man, so many things and feelings to sort though. I hope you have a great move without any major transport problems, and the other issues become manageable as you go along.

By Blogger Sylvia, at 2/01/2007 10:25 AM  


I so understand how you feel. I am somewhat fearful of moving to be near my partner's family if it's just going to be what you've described. what's the point? I mean, I'd be happy to go anywhere but here since I've had nothing but bad luck here: i like to blame it on the state. :)

and while i should have moved a long time ago, i stayed b/c i didn't want to make the kid move, once again. he's only moved twice, but the thought of packing up during the crucial 8th grade through 12th grade years just seemed cruel. In fact, R wanted us to move out to Hawaii while he was stationed there for his last tour of duty. I should have leapt at the chance to marry him, finish the dissertation, and be a stay at home mom. Alas, I couldn't stand the thought of forcing the kid to move, leave behind his basketball dreams, and being dependent on a man. that last one was the hardest. i was determined to do it all on my own without anyone's help damn it.

i hear you. but look at it this way, ha ha. if i ever get to visit VT to see my mother and NH to visit my sister, I can visit you! :)

where in NH? did i miss it? I've applied for work in the NE area, so be careful, I might be imposing on ya, expecting you to entertain my ass :) (just teasing!)

god, how I miss the days when I had close friends, too. nothing like that here either. used to hang with my best friend, drink coffee and talk and talk and talk.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2007 12:31 PM  

Much luck sent to you!

Family is complicated.

By Blogger Veronica, at 2/01/2007 2:03 PM  

Oh I do wish you luck, Donna. But you have everything going for you and the jitters are natural. It's gonna be a wonderful move for your family.

And this could be the most adorable thing I've ever read:

The funny thing is after it was quiet again, he asked me if he could go with me!

Hee. I love that. Best of luck to you... hurry up and get yourself settled!!

p.s. Hi Sylvia!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2007 2:06 PM  

Environment is so crucial to happiness sometimes. I live in a small beach community nestled in a large city, and l love that combo. I can walk or ride my bike most everyplace; I know all the shopkeepers and I adore my neighbors. If I was a miserable person I guess even this wouldn't make me happy - but since I'm doing okay with myself it just adds so much spice to the mix.

I guess I'd manage living in the North Pole but why not have a natural affinity? Why not resonate with your surroundings if you can? This kind of living makes you a bit more *actualized* I think.

Donna, I'm thrilled for you!!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2007 2:21 PM  

Good luck! I just found this blog and am definitely bookmarking it. I'm from Northern BC, and if that person who said "there isn't any racism towards Indians anymore" had ever been to the north, they'd have to eat their words.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2007 4:28 PM  

suerte, donna...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2007 9:21 PM  

Best of luck, Donna. I think the Midwest is a hard place to move into. There's a surface friendliness, but the real closeness takes years and sometimes never arrives. Add in families and it gets more complicated!

All I know about Manchester is that they have one of the most Republican papers in the nation!

By Blogger Ravenmn, at 2/02/2007 11:34 PM  

I hope you aren't teasing B|L! I'll be glad to have you visit me, we will be in the Manchester area. Neither of my kids is much into sports, especially team sports. My youngest was on the swim team and likes skateboarding and my oldest is now taking weight training (if you saw how scrawny he is that would have made you laugh).

We are considering moving ourselves, but today I was checking prices for the moving vans and it's about $1500. That's insane when they don't do any of the packing, lifting, or moving, just rent us a van! The price for those PODS was even worse and they are smaller.

Thanks to everyone for the luck and moral support.

Ravenmn, I think most of the midwest is very friendly and if I had made more effort then I probably would have made more friends. I actually had more friends in the Chicago area and we only lived there 8 months, meanwhile we have been in this town almost 9 years and I'm friendly with 4 of the neighbors but I wouldn't call them friends exactly, and that is more my fault than theirs. My eyes tend to glaze over when we are chatting, the only really interesting neighbor that we had moved away, and her neighborhood nickname was "Crazy Mary". I miss her! LOL I think alot of the boringness has to do with the fact that I am already living in a Republican town (Sensenbrenner is our Representative - the anti-immigration asshole)! And remember, in New England the Republicans lean left and the Democrats lean right. When people say that there is no difference between the two parties there really isn't in New England. Massachusetts is the exception.

I thought it was interesting how Dean was able to bamboozle so many people into thinking he was liberal. He was an extremely conservative governor if you take a close look at his record.

By Blogger Donna, at 2/03/2007 3:21 AM  

only teasing about making you entertain me! my mom lives in VT, Brattleboro, and sis lives in Keene. Rest of the family is in Central NY.

Have you ever read the book, The Beans of Maine (or something)? Mom said it was a really great book, generally about the more impoverished folk who live in that area. I started reading it once but just never got far with it -- fiction reading was always a luxury.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/03/2007 11:04 AM  

Donna, you're moving to Abenaki land!!! Yay! Now I have a nidobaskwa to visit when we blog the primary (a dream I'll engage in as long as Eric's meaningfully employed.)

Manchester's a nice town - though it's sure to be crazy for the next year (most campaigns put their headquarters in Manchester.)

By Blogger MB, at 2/03/2007 11:17 AM  


It's "The Beans of Egypt Maine" by Carolyn Chute, and it is a phenomenal read. One of my favorite books!!! Give it another try... ;)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/03/2007 1:39 PM  

I haven't even heard of the book but I'll see if I can get it. Would it be about the LL Bean family?

Oh shit! I forgot that Iowa and NH are the first primaries! That means political commercials non-stop November 2008! I hate those! I guess I will be reading instead of watching tv.

Now I better get busy and put up a post or two to hide this one further on down. I was just thinking that on one computer in the house my blog is the home page and on the other the blog is only one click away. If my husband reads this, I doubt if he would appreciate the way I characterize him or more importantly, his mom!

She sort of avoids me. So it makes me think she doesn't like me, but it might be more shyness and she still just doesn't know what to think of me either. When I first met her I tried being really friendly, but things like cracking jokes would fall completely flat, I mean not even a smile, instead she would look at me like I was a martian or something. No one else in the family did that by the way, so it wasn't that I tell terrible jokes. I learned to just shut up around her and save the friendliness for the others who had some appreciation for it.

Now that I think of it, my husband inherited her sense of humor, which is close to zero! He isn't humorless, but it's like humor is a little too abstract for him and he prefers real fun, like going and doing something fun to sitting around and talking about funny things. He plays straight man to my clown. Think Desi and Lucy, or Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

One time I was telling him about going to the history museum in Buffalo and they had an Egyptian exhibit with mummies and I asked him if he ever saw a mummy. His answer was "Not a live one". Which made me laugh of course, but I thought he was cracking a joke. He wasn't, what he meant was more like - not in real life, just in pictures. Then he blushed, which made me laugh harder, then he got angry. It took awhile for me to stop laughing and explain that I thought he was joking. But I knew right then that he was not a joker (we had been dating for maybe a month or two by that time.)

My youngest son unfortunately for him has inherited his father's sense of humor. And he wants so badly to be a joker though! But the funniest things he says or does are unintentional, and he gets embarrassed and angry when you laugh at those!

My oldest son is autistic and because of that tends to use words in unusual ways or come up with, um, creative ideas? So his humor is somewhat unintentional too but he's glad for any laughs that come his way.

By Blogger Donna, at 2/03/2007 4:01 PM  

Would it be about the LL Bean family?

Donna, LOL, definitely not. It's a very adventurous and fairly profane novel, and one of the cool side things you get from it is realizing how much fun the use of onomatopoeia can be, in the right hands. :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/03/2007 4:52 PM  

hey! New Hampshire!

that's not THAT far from NYC...

best of luck

By Blogger belledame222, at 2/06/2007 8:21 PM  

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