The Silence of Our Friends

Thursday, April 05, 2007

My Head Is About To Explode!

These past few days have sucked big time. It's been raining or overcast for about two weeks. Today the sun finally came out, but it was windy and felt like 30 below instead of +30 degrees F today. So, whatever. My neck and back are killing me. I haven't been sleeping well. And then there is my husband...

But first, I owe DeviousDiva an apology. I asked if I could join her chat today and then I didn't show up. I have a very good reason, my husband was back home here in WI from NH and we showed our house to a very nice family this afternoon and it sounds like they will be getting back to us with an offer to buy. *fingers crossed*. The husband is on his way back to NH now.

This also explains my absence for the last few days. When you only see your husband once every two to three weeks you like to spend what few days you have together, instead of online. As romantic as it sounds, it wasn't very romantic. We spent much of the time arguing. When you are trying to sell a house, and trying to buy a house too, and wondering whether you are even doing the right thing, it's pretty stressful for the whole family.

My husband has this fun habit of making me spin my wheels with no objective in mind. When he first started looking at houses he was interested in having a pool, so this morning I find one with a pool in our price range, and he gets pissed at me, telling me, why should we get a pool since he knows it will only be more work for him than he needs right now. Fine. Then I looked into different towns and different school systems and explained which ones I liked, and which I didn't, and why. Well, now of course he hates any of them that I like, and likes any of them that I don't. Swell. When I asked him why he has me wasting my time looking at houses out there, he said it's because he knows I "enjoy" it. Bullshit. I hate it. So he has me looking for hours to find these houses that fit these shifting criteria that he can't make his mind up about, only to shoot down anything that I pick and like. And I'm the one stressing him out, by finding these houses, and expecting him to look at them while he is in NH, even though he told me that he wanted me to do this, and that he wanted to look. I said, forget it I'll do it when I get out there this summer. Then, oh no no no no! Mr Control Freak has to actually pick out the house, but I have to do all the work finding them for him to look at, so that he can bitch at me for making him work so hard at looking at the houses I pick out.

And his mother has been calling and wants me to come to her house with the kids for Easter. I don't really want to go because there are no other kids around in her neighborhood and it bores my kids to tears. I'd probably enjoy it more if I could leave them behind. So it's a 4 hour drive there, 4 hours back, just to listen to my kids bitch at me. But my husband wants me to go since we will be moving so far away and his mom, sister, and niece won't be able to see us very often, probably only once a year. Then today he gets crabby about me going to visit his family for Easter instead of staying here to show the house to prospective buyers. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He also has this wonderful way of devaluing anything I do, and every little wiggle of his pinky saving the world. I'm the one who did the research to get our house listed with the MLS, usually a realtor does this, but we wanted to save the 7% commission and do it on our own. So I found the best way to do it cheaply and set up the appointment and got it done. I'm the one who did the research and picked out the best local papers to advertise in, wrote the ads, and bought the ads. I'm the one who bought signs and directionals, and put them out so that people could find our house. I'm the one who bought a flyer dispenser, printed out the flyers with the details on the house, and installed it so that people driving by can find out if this house is what they are looking for. I'm the one who has been cleaning and showing the house to people. But today when this family comes back to look at the house for the second time and decides they might put in a offer, he's getting the credit. He thinks it's because he put up new curtains in the living room and put flowers on the kitchen table. It doesn't matter that they never would have found the house if it wasn't for me, he closed the deal with the flowers on the table.

Our last "discussion" was about the acceptable price for the house when we do get an offer. First, he wanted to list it cheap to unload it fast. I insisted on listing it at the high end for our neighborhood. I explained that most people will come in with an offer minus about 10 to 15 thou, this way we still get what we really wanted. Well, it's gone to his head and now he thinks we can get that higher price. It was only supposed to be for negotiating room. That family was throwing out some ballpark figures and it appears they want to pay WHAT HE WANTED TO LIST IT FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. You'd think he would be happy, but no, now our house is worth the big bucks. I'm sure at the end of this all, it will be forgotten that I am the one who listed high to get what we wanted. Instead somehow I will get the blame for selling us short, that we should have gotten the high value, even though that was never expected.

I want to wring his neck.

6 comment(s):

I relate so much to situations like this. The only way I know to cope is to focus on the small victories more than the setbacks and frustrations. Celebrate every person who comes to view the house. Be enthused if they say they were pushed by one of your flyers to check it out. When your husband retains one of your ideas, even if it is misguided, take it as a sign he's trying to listen -- albeit not doing a great interpreting job, lol. Let him think the flowers helped; you know better. Give yourself the credit you need and stay calm so you can keep going. Homicide, while it looks pretty in your head and on TV, is harder to pull off than most people think. :-p

By Blogger Sylvia, at 4/06/2007 5:50 AM  

someone needs a punching bag!

ps: that sucks. hang in there. and i'm serious...sometimes we need a way to let the physical/mental/emotional poisons out that is very kinetic.

By Anonymous nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez, at 4/06/2007 2:16 PM  

This is another one of those "white dude doesn't intend to be an ass" things. His father always treated him like he would never amount to anything, and in fact said so to his face on many occasions. So I think now he spends so much time promoting the things that he does that he doesn't know that he is taking credit for what I do too. I even overheard him telling my father that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have graduated from college. I shut him up over that by asking how many tests did he take, how many classes did he attend, how many papers did he write? All he meant is that he was my alarm clock, so if I didn't get up and go to class I would have flunked out. He got me up in the morning and had coffee ready, which was nice, but if he wasn't there, I would have used an alarm clock and bought a cup of coffee at the convenience store on the way to school, which is what I did before I married him.

That's what is pissing me off. The hard work I do counts for so little and the little things he does counts for so much. And it's not like he only does little things. There are alot of things in our life together that he can take credit for; where he made the huge contributions. He works like a dog and has no problem working 70 or 80 hr work weeks with very little complaint. Both he and I are good with numbers, but he has taken on handling the bills and budgeting, and he's done a great job of it. If it was up to me, we would probably save more and our house would look like a junk store with mismatched furniture etc. (Which it partly does. LOL) He's the one who wants better and is always upgrading things while at the same time not getting us in debt.

When I need him he is always there. I have had health issues for the past 10+ years and he never complains about it. I've heard horror stories about the spouse leaving just when he or she is needed the most. He never never never thought of that. He has no problem taking care of the kids, the house, going to work, doing everything when I need him to do it.

This move is my doing. I told him I wanted to go back east to be near my family. He immediately put in for a transfer. Now that it is done he doesn't give me hell that all this upheaval and all the debt is my fault. (The one thing he hates most is being in debt, which is why he handles the budget and keeps track of every dollar.)

Every year we take at least one vacation, to see my family. He could easily say he doesn't want to waste his vacation time and money going to see my family, that he wants to go to Disney, or Las Vegas, or Vancouver, etc.

So you can see why I love him, cultivating good relationships is important to both of us, and he is good at it. He's a loving and generous husband, father, son, brother, friend...

But why does he have this urge to undercut me? Why does he need to take credit for everything and when I make suggestions he needs to argue it to death? That is another weird thing between us. Like the pool example. I didn't want or need a pool but once he convinced me that it would be ok, then he changed his mind. It's almost like if I think it's ok or a good idea, well then, it must actually be a bad idea. If I instead said there is no way we were getting a pool then he would insist we must have one! After all these years you would think I would have learned to use reverse psychology on him, but I haven't. You'll notice, he doesn't argue about the big things, like moving, instead it's smaller less important things like having a pool. BUT if someone else suggests the same thing I did, then it's ok. When my car was crapping out more and more often I told him I wanted to trade it in for a minivan. Oh no! He didn't want a symbol of the middle class soccer mom in his driveway. But a couple months later some of his friends at work were buying them for their families. Then he comes home and tells me that I should get a minivan! ARGH!

By Blogger Donna, at 4/06/2007 3:59 PM  

Relationships are tough, especially when there's stress. You've lost that time together when each of you can share all that you've done and get affirmation for your hard work. It will pass. Life will become boring again. Heh. {{{Donna}}}

By Blogger Ravenmn, at 4/06/2007 4:06 PM  

No apologies necessary. It sounds like you have plenty enough to deal with!!!

Your husband sounds like mine in so many ways. Adorable and infuriating in sometimes very unequal measures!

Best of luck with all this. You're right... you are "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" but stay strong and even if he gets the credit you know you would have done it in the end. And I think in their hearts they know that!

Looking forward to chatting at the new place one of these days (check under DD live on the blog)

By Anonymous deviousdiva, at 4/06/2007 5:18 PM  

We came to a decision 15 years ago, when buying our first house. I pick the house, he signs the papers. Period. It's liberating for both of us because he's relieved of the responsibility, and he trusts me to pick a good one. Would your husband be willing to give up that kind of control over it all?

By Blogger Rootietoot, at 4/08/2007 2:04 PM  

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